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Park Outdoor and the Alpine Baptists team up to ruin your world view

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Tiny Town Satellite of Alpine, USA – Nothing like a nice ride in the country to restore your sense of wonder, see how sweet is Mother Nature's creation and to note that holy fucking shit!

"Me and the missus was just going out to buy some mixed bird seed when we see this sign and it scared the very life out of us! What do it mean?" asked one motorist who had pulled over to gather his wits."I don't want to perish. I don't wanna die! It's such a nice day!" 

Park Outdoor continues to make a good buck from groups like the Bible Baptist Fellowship of Alpine, N.Y. and their g-dawful signs.

And Tiny Town Times will continue to launch existential spitballs at them.

It is one thing to spread the word of one's faith abroad. But this billboard is not about the teachings of Jesus or any other wretched desert prophet from then till the Ayatollah and Billy Graham. 

Is it right to display such eyesores as long as you pay for it? This sign not only desecrates the lovely verdant hill behind it, it has the power -- to those vulnerable -- to cause great harm and unease. It has the power to cause a spiritually unhinged driver to lose concentration and rear-end a garbage truck from Jersey driven by a low end mobster.

The sign, in short, is disgraceful. It's only redeeming feature: it does make one think of BBQ and it is summer and that's the best time for a BBQ.

We are am sure the BBF of Alpine had better ways to spend the tithings plucked from the pockets of their guilt-ridden and shame-consumed congregation. But there's no such thing as bad advertising. 

Or is there? What is the inherent message of the billboard? "Repent or Perish either way its the furnace for you?" If you have to read the fine print on a billboard, or dial a number, your time is already up. The method is ineffective.

Passing this sign at even a speed slow enough to correlate the letters to the numbers on your cell phone, it looks like you get fucked no matter what.

Kudos to that ol' prankster Beezlebub and fire up that grill, Mr. Park. 

–– C. Penbroke Handy, G-d's Other Son

 

Last Updated on Sunday, 13 June 2010 13:50
 

Stench City Living: Whispering Walls

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Stench City Living: Whispering WallsSTENCH, N.Y. – Formerly known as The Raven Hill Hospital; The Whispering Walls Apartment Complex offers un-natural amenities in the heart of Stench’s sub-cultural district. Current occupants are primarily students from the music school and the drug addled. The constant music from student rehearsals drifting through the halls gives the residence an air of being in the climactic moment of a crapass James Cameron movie. 

The lobby is trafficked with greeters with one common goal; the obtaining of coin. Enthusiasts of the sport known as “Bum Bashing” have at their hands ample opportunity to practice their craft. The elevator to the nine story building stops only on the sixth floor. In the hallways chipped paint, fungi the size of an elephant’s head, and falling ceiling tiles are an added charm for the more stalwart characters. Residents approve of the many special features inside the apartments. Sudden House Arrest Syndrome happens when deadbolts lock and unlock unassisted by human intervention. The heating ducts emit a mysterious greasy film of unknown origin that no known solvent can eradicate. Late at night, the walls have been reported to be whispering the phrase, “I know who you really are”.

Whispering Walls is within walking distance of many cultural facilities. The Bell End Art Gallery interior looks like a garbage barge chartered by a Long Island Mob Boss.
The director, resplendent in toy glasses and a tiny piss yellow paper hat, greets all patrons by inquiring about their sexual preference.
 
Whispering Walls residents that enjoy "doing rails" have a plethora of options, as crack houses with convenient drive-thru amenities are plentiful. Educators get a special discount on Tuesdays before 6 p.m.. When blizzards strike Stench, the crack man will travel by pit bull driven wheel chair and make deliveries directly to Whispering Walls.
 
~ Kensington P. Gore, special to TinyTowntimes.com 

Last Updated on Wednesday, 28 April 2010 11:25
 

Torrid Tales from Stench: The Play's the Thing

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Torrid Tales from Stench: The Play's the Thing

Stench is home to one of the largest and oldest municipal Victorian cemeteries in the country. Jack the Ripper is rumored to have been buried in Stench, which is a source of pride sullied only by experts that claim the identity of Saucy Jack remains unknown. Another point of interest is a waterfall where a famous 1800’s daredevil, who kept a pet bear on a chain and a fox on a rope, leapt to his death.   


A local improvisational group called Improvorama made a bloody mess last week. Deep in the bowels of a highly acclaimed regional theatre there was mischief afoot. While the landed gentry of the town watched the latest milquetoast quirky comedy upstairs, the kids were squirting sweet smelling theatrical blood at each other below stairs. Improvorama member Ginger Snap Jr. got a kick out of the dichotomy, “It's great that we're this pocket of playful irreverence in a largely stodgy environment.”  

The troupe put on a horror themed show to pay homage to the genre. Having exhausted the themes of zombies, werewolves, vampires, and Yetis their thoughts naturally turned to blood. The ghost of Sam Peckinpah wept with joy. Audience members in the front row got a real treat, as the faux blood flowed from the stage onto their faces. Many commented on the pleasant nature of the smell, likening it to a favorite childhood tropical beverage. Whether they took the next logical step and actually consumed the phony vital fluid remains a mystery. 

- Kensington P. Gore, Stench Correspondent 

Last Updated on Thursday, 15 April 2010 16:53
 

Sexy Singles of Stench introduce Dion

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Sexy Singles of Stench Introduce Dion

Dion the garbage picker sells your neighbors garbage to you whilst wearing a different coat every day.

The Dapper Curb Shopper makes a living digging out your old undergarments, dust collectors, dodgy DVD's your mom got you for Christmas, and the "One Day at a Time" chip you threw out when you fell off the wagon.

Don't be surprised if you see Dion walking down Park Avenue in the coat you threw in the bin Tuesday last because your ex's cat made a stink on it. He chose your coat above all the others, which makes your garbage highly pickable. He will be back again. One fine morning you will emerge from your abode, ready to greet the new day, only to find Dion submerged in your trash with only his legs protruding out. At which point you should grab your video camera, hit record, blast an air horn, and let the hilarity ensue.
 
And that is how the stars of Youtube are born.
 
Dion is an affable young man with an interesting personality quirk. He is incapable of telling a lie.
 
When asked if he had had any trouble with the law because of his chosen business he answered sheepishly in the affirmative, due to his inability to pinpoint the exact location of your garbage. Sometimes he believes it is on your porch, in your yard, nestled in the cushions of your living room couch, or presently in the clutches of your good self.
 
Kensington Gore, Stench correspondent
Last Updated on Monday, 12 April 2010 22:41
 

Torrid Tales from Stench: No Love for Willy

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Sarah from Utter Clutter could not unload her todger making kit as a unique and disturbing Valentines Day gift. She offered 50 percent off the item which claims to accurately reproduce a loved ones stiffy using magical powders and creams. Fear of mishaps when using the mixtures put potential buyers off. One customer was overheard to say, "Imagine going to the emergency room on Valentines Day and try to explain why you were trying to make a mold of your dong."

Some hesitancy stems from the uses of the device. Would it make an appropriate conversation piece for the middle of the table at a diner soiree? Could it be a source of mockery for her friends during the inevitable break up? Might it be used to commit a crime?


The rewards for those with the mettle to undergo the procedure are not only aesthetic pleasure; they are practical pleasures to be obtained. The kit includes a Victorian ladies hysteria reducing battery operated apparatus which fits snugly inside the mold to the delight of all involved.

- K. P. Gore 

Last Updated on Thursday, 11 March 2010 12:43
 


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