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The Sexy Singles of Stench Introduce Victor

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Sexy Singles of Stench Introduce VictorRussian hypnotist Victor is offering Stanislavski Acting Classes to pretty young ladies, even though he has never trod the boards himself. Victor uses the modulation of his voice as a hypnotic technique, and will say this over and over again until he thinks it has worked. He offers the classes in the comfort of his home which is barren of the usual bourgeoisie trappings, save for a suspicious dirty tennis ball hanging in the archway and a camera on a tripod with a blanket in front of the camera. Victor refused to divulge the purpose of the camera arrangement.

If you leave Victor's master class with a sense of foreboding and an ache in a part of your body which does not normally ache, don't be concerned. No one can be hypnotized against their will, according to Victor. If these soothing platitudes fail, fear not. Victor lives in mortal terror of those who practice Santeria. Let him see you throw some chicken bones and a coffin nail on his doorstep, and you are guaranteed never to see him again.

Kensington P. Gore 

Last Updated on Tuesday, 09 March 2010 00:12
 

The History of Stench: Waxworks Wooing

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THE HISTORY OF STENCH: WAXWORKS WOOING

Over a decade ago, the Stench Museum of History was embroiled in controversy. A faulty cooling system on the antiquated third floor caused two of the waxworks historical figures to become entangled in an unseemly arrangement. 

The children visiting that summer giggled behind their hands like the Geishas of old upon beholding the wax likeness of Dr. Hugh Pullen, (a dentist in1888), as he appeared to be placing a fervent kiss on his unenthused patient. The good doctor’s normal repose what that of directly over his patient. The tremendous heat of summer caused the wax to melt his head. The doctor and patient became fused together. The fact that the patient is seen squirming in his chair with his arms and legs akimbo did not help matters. 

The problem was soon corrected and children still visit the exhibit today. The scene is less randy than it was during the melting incident, but it still reinforces a healthy fear and contempt for the practice of dentistry.

Kensington P. Gore 

Last Updated on Tuesday, 09 March 2010 00:13
 

Sexy Singles of Stench introduce Louis

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THE SEXY SINGLES OF STENCH INTRODUCE LOUIS

Tiny Town Satellite of Stench, N.Y. – Resplendent in his mohair sweater and Styrofoam skimmer hat, Louis exudes the essence of grooviness. He should, he’s a Groovologist. The principals of Groovology cannot be explained in a day. Louis suggests all new comers to the discipline adjourn to his mini van parked down the street and gaze upon his makeshift red velvet bed. The bed goes wherever Louis goes. He’s a couch surfing nomad and proud of it. “I’ll go to St Louis and back to eat a Big Mac, and that’s a fact!” crows The Professor of Cool. 

When trouble starts and tempers flare, that is when Louis goes round to work. First he starts swaying, than he hums a soothing tune, nodding his head to the rhythm. Before long the room is calm and his work is done. 

Louis enjoys spoon feeding raw honey to strangers and nibbling away at 20-year-old fortune cookies that smell of rotten cardboard.

- Kensington P. Gore

Last Updated on Tuesday, 09 March 2010 00:12
 

New Feature: Torrid Tales from Stench, N.Y.

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ON THE ORIGINS OF STENCH, the works of Kensington Gore, hard-nosed correspondent: Stench is so-named owing to the evacuation of its major employer, “The Big Yellow Box." Their toxic wake left but the hideous stench of industrial pollution as a boot legacy to the micro-city they abandoned. A suspicious brain cancer cluster in the neighborhood of  Big Yellow – may be considered another parting gift. Home to the highest murder rate per capita in New York State, tourists come here to snuff the people they do not like. Bossy Bigoted Aunt Suzy can get hers two ways: The Long Goodbye (toxic poisoning), or Shock and Awe (caught in the crossfire). The local cuisine is the garbage plate. Pan seared maggots in a reduced white wine drizzle are extra. Due to the ubiquity of violent crime, there is a high population density of lawyers, and yet a lack of any civic attraction or blemish of creative commerce to attract unwitting post-industrial tourism, so Downtown Stench closes around noon. However, there is, as you will see below, a Butterfly Musuem, of all the sad things ...

It is here then, that one lonely reporter finds the grittiest grist for the world's readers. We are lucky to find her while she is still alive. Repair to this reading then with the hardened heart of a cop in a crackhouse sting.  Please flap your lashes at our most recent contributor, Kensington P. Gore–– C. Penbroke Handy.

LOCAL MUSEUM GARNERS UNINTENTIONAL GIGGLES

STENCH, N.Y. –– The Butterfly Museum refuses to admit the exterior of the building resembles a twat, despite the constant pointing and laughing of passers by.

An appalled spokesperson hung up twice before using colorful language to express her contempt at the very idea, and declined to discuss the theory that the design is some kind of prank perpetrated by the architect.

Patrons seeking admission to the Butterfly Museum are turned away if they inquire about the admission price using the phrase, “How much does it cost to enter your giant labia pointing heavenward?” 

Frazzled staff appears to be on the verge of viscous tears as they explain the shape of the building is meant to look like a butterfly, but has been interpreted by a greater audience to be a giant bit of lady business adorning the cityscape.

Patrons that do get in have a jolly time admiring the muggy environment of the Butterfly Habitat/Graveyard.

The little blighters die every two weeks. The chances of witnessing the circle of life firsthand are excellent, as it is highly probable that one will be shat on by the pretty bugs during their inevitable heart-wrenching death spiral.

Bring tissues for the kids for more reasons than one. On the Disney Sob Until You Retch Scale, this exhibit is equal only to the scene where Bambi’s Mom makes an orphan of us all.

Thrifty patrons avail themselves of the half-priced admissions available early in the week. Officials call this the “See You Next Tuesday” Special.

K. P. Gore, correspondent to TinyTownTimes.com

Last Updated on Thursday, 18 February 2010 16:55
 

Hobo Pirate Jesus Now Mobile

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Hobo Pirate Jesus drivers licenseBREAKING NEWS

Hobo Pirate Jesus pulled over outside Padukah, KY for broken taillight.  Let go without comment by a local patrol officer who figured Obama issued all drivers licenses in California, since it's a nutball state anyway. Last seen driving blue 1988 Ford Fiesta. 

Thanks, Laureen Mahler, for bringing this to the TTT news desk.  

If any Tinytowners spot Hobo Pirate Jesus, please notify your nearest TinyTownTimes correspondent.

~ Belinda Cho

Last Updated on Thursday, 07 January 2010 15:27
 


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