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Cranky Steelers Fans Make for a Stormy Monday

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103 Car Accidents, offenses and infractions make this a Super Bowl weekend to forget

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Tiny Town, USA – Now that everybody knows the Black Eyed Peas suck, and their garish Super Bowl Halftime Show was a frightening exercise in modern hubris, there is no reason to mix them with today's greens. Or blues.

Tiny Town is a peculiar place. We have a mix of existentialist jocks, absolute no-nothings about spectator sports colliding with rabid Pittsburgh Steelers' fans who think nothing of backing their 4X4s over babies when their team loses. TTTs predicted Green Bay 28 Pittsburgh 24.

Boy were we close to deadly right!

Anyway, now that the Freak Towel have been soaked with the briny teardrops and beerdrops of local Steelers' fans, it's time to take a look at what happened here on the weekend of one of most cherished National Holidays, Ronald Reagan's 100 Million Dead Man's Dollar Birthday.

Scanning the blotter we are surprised that, while the complaints required 44 pages of readouts, most were traffic and parking complaints and accidents. 

But a few others caught our attention:

FRIDAY

Things started off kinda rowdy, with a man complaining that his car was stolen. Well, turns out his daughter was cruising for chicks with it. That was the big call in the daylight hours.

Folks at W. Village Pl. continued to rehearse for the spring jailing season with an aggravated harassment call -- apparently over laundry; Someone challenged the slogan "Tops Friendly Markets" by leaving their wallet on a counter to see if someone would steal it. Someone did; Two dogs were rerported to be fighting at PetSmart -- not very smart of those pets now was it? Is there something going on there besides a little veterinary work and dew claw clipping?

You can always depend on a scribbler when you're in a tight spot: A writer blocked the intersection of Plain and Green Streets for a fire call. Good on you ya ol' ink-stained hack! Actually the writer was M. Pagliaro, the author of Friday's police activity log. Early in the evening a suicidal man was taken to the Psyche Ward for evaluation and we hope he is doing better. On Ridgedale Road a caller complained that two men were trying to steal a wood stove off her porch. What was the stove doing on the porch you may well ask. Go ahead. Ask. WE dunno.

There was an assault at Greenstar Coop and a person was transported to the hospital with locally grown wounds. There were noises in a basement on S. Plain St. and the elderly occupant wisely assumed it was the boogie man come to rob the hot water heater. No one was found in the basement. As the evening wearied from its dull watch, people got drunk and noisy and calls for such events as loud parties, customers refusing to leave bars, gatherings in the street, escalated. At some time after midnight, Saturday arrived. 

SATURDAY

 At 2:20 a.m. a drunk was busted for driving; close to 5 a.m. an injured person was found on E. Clinton St., no details; Some assholes left a dog outside unattended for three days -- this was on Cleveland Ave. and it shouldn't be too hard to find these schmucks and burn their house down; at Stewart Ave and Fall Creek, a man propositioned a female for sexual favors, no doubt thinking this was the norm on Super Bowl weekend; damned kids were throwing snowballs at the Family Medicine Associates Bldg., and would've gotten the beating of their life if these were the good old days of corporeal punishment, but alas, an idle blow not covered by insurance can cause legal problems; ice climbers in the Giles Street Gorge were asked to please come down before flame throwers were set upon the frozen waterfalls.

Get this: "A Schafer Bus was stuck on the ice and blocking traffic. Once the salt trucks came through, the bus was able to move." Nice bit of writing by blotter logger D. Lawrence, thank you. But, was it like, a Beer Bus? Lots of noise complaints and a multitude of minor car accidents and traffic offenses continued long into the night along with trespassing complaints. 

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!

Cops broke up crowds of loud rowdies on W. State St.; snowballs were the favored missile among drunks exiting bars, one of them lacking a jacket because? It was STOLEN! Multiple noise complaints came in on S. Geneva, College Ave and E. State Streets in the wee hours; at about 2 a.m., an overdose was reported; a dispute with a taxi cab driver ended when an officer arrived on S. Quarry St. to settle accounts; A loud horror movie in a downstairs apartment led an upstairs tenant to call the police -- the rule here is "Knock three times on the ceiling if you're being murdered or raped" -- twice on the pipe, if you're watching Netflix; A five-year-old was locked in his own car and wouldn't produce a license or registration. This occurred in the parking lot of Dunkin' Donuts where it is better to leave your kid in the car as the sight of all those donuts causes an unsafe spike in a pre-schooler's blood sugar level.

Given that this town is rife with Steelers' fans the rest of the night was pretty calm. Oh, sure, a female passed out, another woman had to be taken to the hospital for threatening suicide, there was a bar fight, a harassment call and a theft reported on our favorite crime scene area, Chestnut Street.

But all in all, we think the enormous standing puddles of water at street corners, some as deep as Cayuga Lake, along with icy sidewalk and street conditions that made it impossible to hold your ground in a fistfight, cut down on the number of calls there should have been. 

By the way, we mentioned there were lots of calls about accidents, parking complaints and traffic offenses. How many over a 3-day period? 

The grand total, according to our counts: 103. This includes minor accidents, a few accidents with injuries, parking complaints and traffic offenses of various sorts.

So what did we do over the weekend? We walked. We watched TV. We nearly fell on our assets anyway because even the sidewalks were treacherous in the night.

We are smart, lemme tell you. Us. We people who guess the winning team AHEAD of time. 

– C. Penbroke Handy, prognosticator

Above photo courtesy of American Automobile Association 

Last Updated on Tuesday, 08 February 2011 19:56
 

Banned from Wegmans for Eternity! The Horror -- THE HORROR!

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Tiny Town, USA – One of the most self-destructive acts anyone can commit in this town is to get their sad ass kicked out of Wegmans, our premier supermarket.

Yet this is exactly what one individual did to him/herself on, of all American Pagan Holidays, the Day of the Ground Hog. Said person, unknown, was caught by security or their omnipresent Man O' Wegs surveillance cameras, and busted at about 12:49 p.m.

 

Hot Christ on a cross-bun! ~ It is better to starve! 

For the average Tiny Towner, to not be banished from Wegmans is tantamount to George Soros taking a business class seat rather than his private jet to Taos for a philanthropy grope. 

Other items of note: Burglary committed on Stewart Ave., lots of stuff taken. Doesn't say where in the police logs (it would be a nice re-addition to the new online pages to record block numbers) ... 

There was a cardiac arrest on Auburn Street; a bad check on E. State St.; and a dispute at Buffalo and Eddy Streets, right at the top of the hill; the fight apparently started when one person threw down their shovel and wouldn't help their neighbor make the dangerous hill safe for walking. 

On E. Court St. a snow blower was making too much damned noise, a resident opined.  Or it was making UN-snow blower-like noises. What does it all meeeeeean?

A suspicious person was seen on N. Plain Street, a general thoroughfare for suspicious people – and bad drivers. 

Earlier on Ground Hog's day, someone drove off and simply forgot to pay for their gas at Pete's Grocery and Gas. It happens and it is illegal. 

A hit-and-run driver, possibly not aware of the poor road conditions, kept going his merry way too full of good cheer to report the incident to police. Perhaps said driver was in high spirits over the report that Punxatawney Phil did not see his shadow, thereby in his chunky furry way prognosticating an early spring. 

Tell that to the folks in Cheyenne, Wyo, Milwaukee, Wis. and Chicago, Ill. 

– C. Penbroke Handy, always up to the task at hand

BEWARE: THE WEGMAN IS WATCHING! 

Last Updated on Thursday, 03 February 2011 11:04
 

Wood Chuck in Distress at Lumber Yard: tiny town blues are back!

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Last Updated on Tuesday, 01 February 2011 16:02
 

Criminal Activity Harder than Ever to Monitor for John Q. Public

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Tiny Town, USA – We never cared much for the expression "John Q. Public." It makes us sound like a bunch of wispy, soft and fraudulent people.

But let it stand. 

The news of the day is that Tompkins County has "improved" its computerized criminal activity tracking system to the point that only a savvy records keeper with access to further details (in other words, a cop in the records division) could decipher it.

An  Ithaca Police Officer informed us that this will be remedied and it is the result of a new county-wide 911 program. For the folks in records, there is a learning curve ahead of them in order to make these public documents more informative and readable.

One distasteful aspect of this news is the name of the activity log has changed to "Public Dissemination Report." We think our Catholic readers will take offense at being equated with a lot of semin, dissed or otherwise. The thing now reads something like this, altho the cut and paste operation failed miserably and this is not in the nice neat vertical rows of the original spreadsheet. You still get the idea that it's not a fun thing to scan any more: 

  07:14  PUBLIC DISSEMINATION REPORT:
Incident When reported --------- -------------------

I11-00092 23:19:08 01/02/2011 I11-00091 23:18:45 01/02/2011 I11-00090 22:53:16 01/02/2011Incident nature --------------- TRAFFIC OFFENSE PSYCHIATRIC BURGLARY HARRASSMENT ALARM    ETC>

It's a real drag for Tiny Town Times as it means actually picking out items and going over to the IPD office and asking for the news -- as if we were real reporters or anything of the kind! 

For you, the reader, we hope this inconvenience will soon be resolved so we can get back to what's important: tiny, pain-in-the-ass news that no one else except the victims seem to care about!

– C. Penbroke Handy, unshowered, unshaved and too disheveled to muck about in J.Q.'s Public's hair. 

Last Updated on Tuesday, 04 January 2011 12:05
 


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